Not Just Another Bad Date

Sex.

Or in other words, the one ring to rule them all. And yes, while the strength of the power sex has over each of us is unique to the individual, we can’t deny it’s something we all do, want, need, and have. But based on a recent article, it’s something that still isn’t going very well.

I'm sure you've all read it by now: Aziz and Grace's Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Date. Accusations aside, all it really revealed to me about Aziz (and sadly, to the the world - womp womp) was that he (by all cringeworthy descriptions of his foreplay) is most likely a very bad lay. Yes, I know, I know; it also suggested he was far, far worse than that. And while I respect and can very much relate to the horrible way Grace felt during the course of their evening, having lousy bedroom moves does not a Weinstein make. But I'm not here to talk about his side or hers, at least not in regard to, “Was it assault?" Because that was the unfortunate, immediate place the conversation and debate jumped to. And oh, how it raged over the interwebs and cable news. Sadly, it also happens to be the completely wrong discussion to be having. But, I understand why it was the place to which people pounced:

1) Well. Babe basically painted it that way.
2) The #metoo movement had already been pushing too many buttons. Namely, that there were men who maybe acted in a less-than-desirable manner, but were undeservedly lumped into that giant pile-of-ended-careers with actual monsters. That these men had no fair chance against the tsunami of clap-back that was coming for ALL of them after years and years of women being forced to stay silent. So, it was only a matter of time before something happened and that brewing murmur of discontent and silent head-shaking burst into a full-on flames of shouts and dissents. Babe's article was that final straw.

And in the nay-sayers defense, Aziz shouldn’t be in that giant pile - at least, not exactly. Because regardless of whether or not you think / Aziz actually did commit assault, something in Grace’s recounting of her night struck a chord in women. And I gotta say, something certainly struck a chord in me. So, why? Why the hell did I get so upset on her behalf when reading that article?

Listen, I've been sexually assaulted. I had a horrible night with a horrible boss who forced himself upon me. And with all the #metoo articles and reports that have filled my eyes and ears in the weeks leading up to the Babe piece, none had quite brought me to tears or really gave me pause quite like the Aziz article did. At first, I just chalked it up to triggering a very painful memory of mine that I tend to not revisit and have barely discussed at all. But then I started to read the backlash. The comment sections. The opinion pieces. And I thought, wait, so...she wasn't assaulted? Am I crazy for reacting the way I am? Are these feelings just me being stupid or silly? But these tears are fucking real. Why did it hit me so strongly, then?

It was her description of her panic, her feelings of being cornered and pressured despite being not reeeeally being cornered or pressured. Of going through with the touching and being touched despite not enjoying it. Of the going along with everything, from the drinks she didn't want / to an invite upstairs that she didn't want / to a cab ride home that felt, at best, like the moldy cherry on top of a night of shame.

How often have I been there?

How often have all of us women been there?

I can't even count.

But... and here's the real question here, the question that should have been asked right from the beginning. (And seriously, Babe, fuck yourself for making it about assault when there was such a different, but just as necessary, topic that should have been the basis and fully-mined expedition of your article.) The question is: WHY? Why have we found, and continue to find, ourselves in Grace’s shoes? In those countless uncomfortable situations? In that place of silent panic where we feel like someone is crushing our chest, unable to say to them, "No, you’re actually a terrible kisser, or “No, I actually DON’T like when you touch my pussy like that", or "No, that actually WASNT remotely satisfying." We all see it, in movies and sitcoms and the like. You know the jokes. The man not knowing where the clit is. The female orgasm being referred to in quotations. But...but. How's it go? "It's funny because it's true"?

And that IS the sad truth - how many women truly know what and have no qualms in saying what satisfying sex for them is, and how many men are in tune enough to be part of it? If you're in a committed relationship, I would hope that's you. That you guys are rocking it. But in other couples, and certainly in the "hook up" culture, I can't imagine it's the majority. So what is it? Do people just… like unfulfilling sex? Do people enjoy just going to some distant mental place, hoping their partner finishes soon, because nothing that is happening feels good? Do people like getting bunny-fucked for 20 seconds and then…that’s it? Do people enjoy “The Claw”?

The answer is: no. No one likes sex like that.

When I looked at Grace’s experience, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself: if Aziz had been really good at foreplay - you know, one of those guys who just loves women’s bodies and knows alllll the right ways to touch and kiss and etc - would she still have felt the way she did? Who knows, but…if this wasn’t just about sex, how much broader does the problem stretch?

I could understand why people were blowing it off, giving her shit, defending Aziz. And you know what, if you belong to that group, fine. But…if that was you, and I’m speaking to the men here: have you ever pulled an Aziz? I’m gonna guess most of you have. You know: went out, had some drinks, brought the girl back to your place, tried your “moves”, got a little head, tried your moves again, didn’t look like sex was happening, sent her off on her carriage home. How many girls had you done that with before? And after? And as for the women who defended Aziz: why were you, especially the female news reporters, so furious? Writing it off as "just another bad date"? Telling her to just “get over it”? I’m sorry, but that’s not the solution here. Making substandard dates and poor excuses for intimacy something to just “write off", to suck it up and move on, doesn’t fucking fix anything.

I was sort of hoping with the younger generations who seem to have more liberal views, and be more open-minded overall, that women would know what they want and be more vocal about it, and that men’s egos had subsided a bit and in effect, made them humbled enough to be more aware. But when I hear stories like Grace’s, it only shows me this: women AREN’T being more vocal, and men continue to lack awareness. So how can we change this?

It comes down to two things: women’s insecurities, and societal standards.

Grace’s experience triggered a multitude of memories within me, times when I had felt the way she felt that night - that feeling of helplessness and just wanting to go home. What it kept bubbling to my surface was that whole high school / college / post-college period in my life, and in my female friends’ lives. You know, back when boys on the streets would catcall, honk their car horns, run down the subway platform after staring at you to sit next to you and then talk to you for a very uncomfortable 45 minutes. Times when they would follow you on your walk home from school, follow you on your run in the evening, try to get your number, try to give you theirs. They wouldn’t accept “I have a boyfriend” “I have a fiancee” or even a flat “No, I’m not interested” as an answer. They would push and persist, call you ungrateful, and even when they finally left you to both go your separate ways, you’d still be on edge, your alerts on high as you nervously kept your back in their direction. Those moments were full of that feeling, that “I can’t breathe” or “I don't know how to just shut this down and get away” feeling. I mean, of course, as you get older you get used to it, you deal with it. Maybe you were fortunate enough to have some wiser female friend give you their foolproof method of getting those guys to leave you alone. But I’ll tell ya, even now sometimes, I’ll still kinda feel like I don’t know how to reject a man (i.e., clearly voice how I feel) when I’m cornered. And that’s a societally engrained thing for three reasons:

1) It’s barely ever addressed or talked about from one generation of women to the next. Not in school, not by our mothers, nothing. We don’t ever get taught, not outright, of how to voice our pleasures or our discomforts in a clear way, or that it’s perfectly acceptable to do so. So, in turn, how can we ever voice it, in any situation? At work, at a bar, on the street, on dates, during sex…it perpetuates and bleeds a submissive manner into all aspects of our lives, one that society has deemed the way for us to act.
2) When and if women do get assertive, they’re considered a bitch, or worse, called one. That’s something that sticks, okay? You might think we forget it, brush it off, but that shit doesn’t stop smelling for us. Whether we feel it consciously or it’s in the back of our minds as we continue on through life, that’s the lesson we learn from speaking our minds. And those should not be the two choices: submissive, or cunt. What is this, a U.S. Presidential election?
3) Women learn that being desired by men is a desirable trait. And what develops from that is this subconscious ticker tape of validation and self-worth that comes with being pursued and wanted by men. This causes a couple of problems. For one, we often don't feel valuable for who and what we are on our own - intelligent, accomplished, strong, kind, whatever it is. We feel value because men want us. And if our value is determined by that, why on earth would we ever feel brave or secure enough to reject a man, to tell him he’s doing something wrong, to tell him we feel uncomfortable?

So what needs to change? I think women need better role models. Which, thankfully, has started to - and I am optimistic will continue to be - the trend. Women need to feel more brave and comfortable talking about these sorts of things in frank and open terms. So when we are approached, are cornered, have a date, have sex, and it isn’t to our liking, we have the strength and have been equipped with the tools to say so. I don’t think things like that should be confined to the pages of a dated Cosmo Top Ten list, either. The forum should be broader, and we women should embrace that we have the absolute right to make this happen for ourselves: to evolve from an antiquated societal standard and into a more assured, self-valued model. I do see that happening, more and more, and I am encouraged by it.

And then that whole mindset that a woman who speaks in and for her best interest makes her a “feminazi” needs to fucking stop. Men, grow a pair: a pair of ears, and LISTEN. We are not trying to dictate at you, or make you feel small, or cut you down. So stop jumping to the defensive, and stop trying to talk over us to tell us what we’re trying to say. Just sit back and calm down. Understand that for centuries, we’ve been silenced. We’ve been painted as less than you. We’ve been pushed down. We’ve been told who we are, dictated how to act. So when we try to explain, when we open up to you, all we need you to do is listen.

But it's more than just turning an ear and hearing words. I mean, how do I say, “Just…be more aware, okay?” I guess I just said it, but, really. How do you fix that within someone who may not know they aren't?

My theory on this whole bad-male-behavior thing: the conscious ego for most, the subconscious ego for others. If one can argue ego is the motivation behind self-centric goals, then if that ego were to be less sensitive and more humble, then in theory, it would increase awareness of others around it and affected by it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I'm not saying every man is some dick-pic sending douchebag who attacks womens DM's like they're getting paid to do it. I think, like women’s submissive tendencies, it’s something more subtle that been instilled and engrained in men since, well, forever. So, no, I don’t think all of you are egomaniacs out to American Psycho all over the rosebushes. But, if you could perhaps take a step back, and wonder about someone else in the moment, it might make a huge difference. I agree, it's up to us women to be more straight-forward and clear about how we feel / are feeling. But until that shift happens where women feel capable and powerful enough to do so, we need you to listen, we need you to be aware. If your motivation is self-serving, maybe don’t focus so hard on just your end-goal. Take a minute. Take a real look. Listen and comprehend what is happening in the moment, with whoever it is you’re interacting with. Not only will this help with men and women understanding and getting on together as a whole, but I can promise you this: it will make you one hell of a better lover.

So, my ultimate wonder at all of this is: can we do it? Are we capable? Can women evolve beyond what society has deemed their identity? Can men allow them to comfortably shift into this new evolution of what the female identity is, while themselves in turn becoming more aware? At the end of the day, changes like this take time. Gender behavior as dictated and manifested by society is something that doesn’t get fixed overnight. But I am hopeful. I am hopeful that women will continue to see that their own worth, and teach their daughters that theirs, too, is something that comes from within and definitely deserves to be heard. I am also hopeful that men become more willing to see and hear outside of themselves (I just hope it’s not merely because their balls are may be next on the proverbial #metoo guillotine.) It comes down to balance between the genders: we all have to be willing to revolutionize each other, together.