I've done some pretty crazy things in my life. I use the term "crazy" rather loosely, of course. There are those who might instead choose to describe with words such as "stupid", "foolhardy", "slutty". And of course, there are those who might think my actions are not even close to any of those adjectives. For instance, to a meth-addicted prostitute reading my blog, my stories are probably tepid and tame in comparison to their lifetime of drugs, humiliation, and smorgasbord of STDs. But thanks to a college friend who recently reminded me of one of the most ridiculous things I’d done (well, during my freshman year of college, anyway), I have decided to write about it- and hope that my Jewish mother will never read this story.
This story is of particular importance because it truly marked the beginning of the Era of Insanity that was Elena and Joe.
We met on the first day of orientation, at the freshman opera majors meeting, and then bumped into each later that night. Naturally this second meet-cute occurred just as I was jumping into the arms of another opera major, named Duke. I apparently was too busy to notice Joe amidst my enthusiastic straddling of Duke's waist, and my request for him to "Do me!" (Grace Kelly, please pass over those white gloves to yours truly. So I can get spanked with them, obviously.) Despite witnessing this, you know, me at my classiest hour, Joe and I quickly became inseparable.
We spent day and night together, and so intense was our connection that the next obvious step to take in our relationship was all too clear: we shared to a dream of filming a sex tape (who says romance is dead?) Nevermind that we hadn't actually had sex at that point. We had this glorious idea that we seemed destined to fulfill, but alas, la mouche dans l'ointment was we couldn't technically HAVE sex, him being too big and me being too small (that's what I get for only having sex with Jewish men up until college. #ThanksObama.) Not that we hadn’t tried. In fact, he repeatedly asked me, “Are you SURE you’ve had sex before?” But mismatched genitalia aside, everything else seemed to be falling right into place. One of his suitemates, Kenny, even agreed to be our cameraman / director. It was going to be fun; we had, in our excitement, got all into pre-production details quickly settled and written out a little storyline. Joe was going to be "the student" and I was going to be "the tutor" coming over after school. Oh, and lest I forget to mention this later, we were joined by a real live studio audience: Joe's 6 suitemates (including, of course, Kenny the Cameraman) some random guys in neighboring dorm rooms of Joe’s hallway, and Madio, a bisexual opera major (who no one really knew quite well yet.)
Um, this probably goes without saying, but everybody was pret-ty drunk once filming started.
Joe was in his room, with everyone, giving a little intro to the camera. He wore his glasses to appear more student-like, and had his school books out. Costumes, props- clearly no expense was too much to make this film quality that of a bigtime porn studio. At my cue, I would knock and come in, and...action!
My cue came, I knocked on the door and slinked in, wearing a miniskirt and teeny shirt, doing my absolute best to do justice to the slutty tutor that my character was. (That’s the perfectionist in my performer self, always striving to reach new heights.) At that time in my life I had never watched a porno, but I have since then, and when I look back on it the end result was impressive on my part. My acting was truly that of a porn star, complete with the bad acting, breathy voice, giggling, and sexy glances at the camera - oh, and lots of hair flipping. I strode and strutted into the bedroom and walked right up to Joe, who was sitting in a chair in the middle of the small dorm room double. After saying a few of our scripted lines, which I don’t exactly remember now and I doubt we remembered them even then, I started to stroke his hair, run my hands over his body, etc. Joe, playing the diligent student, tried to stay focused and in character: namely, ponder his schoolbooks and the non-sexual task at hand. I think the plot was along the lines of him having major test to pass or he was going to fail the whole course. Ah, backstory. Even as amateur porn writers, we knew how vital subplots are for a peak performance. After a few seconds of "tutoring", I, the tutor, started to get all hot and bothered by the mere presence of this hoodie-wearing, glasses-donning, Jew-fro-minus-the-Jew topped boy. I said something along the lines of how sexy he was, how turned on I was, that now it was time to let the real instruction begin, and proceeded to toss his books to the floor. Joe and I started making out and then I threw him onto the bed.
My clothes were in the way, so, while standing on the bed, I pulled my shirt and skirt off, followed by my underwear. Then Joe and I fooled around for a bit, but since we couldn't have sex-sex, the "script" called for me to go down on him. He started to get really nervous so I kept whispering things in his ear like, "Don't worry, just pretend no one else is here" and, "It's just me, it's ok" etc. Kenny, the ever-dedicated and focused man-behind-the-camera, heard me and commented, "Damn, this girl is like a professional!" Which, sadly, I took pride in at the time.
So for the next 10 minutes I went down on Joe. Meanwhile, Kenny was getting all excited about the special effects that Joe’s high-tech camera provided; namely, the "night vision" button. You know, to take the production quality standard from 8 to 10. Aside from announcing in his outside voice the effects he was using, he was also as doing a banner job of making me feel self-conscious by repeatedly zooming in on my ass so closely he might have been giving me a colonoscopy exam. So in between having Joe's dick in my mouth, I had to keep telling Kenny to get the camera the hell away from my butt. Madio, whom today I love dearly but at the time barely knew, was so drunk and getting so horny that he kept crawling across the room trying to sneak a grab or touch of Joe's dick, and saying over and over how beautiful it was, "Oh my god, Joe, jour deeck is so bootiful." And, kindly soul that he is in making sure everyone feels the love, Madio took great care to compliment me as well and mentioned how nice my ass was. No, wait, actually I think he said it was my asshole that was nice. Regardless, coming from a sometimes-gay man, it was flattering. However, as much as I may have been flattered and amused by Madio, he was making Joe increasingly nervous so finally we all told Madio, in unison, to stop trying to give Joe head. He did so very agreeably, but that was probably because within seconds he decided to switch to hitting on Mark, Joe's roommate, who was not used to gay men and felt incredibly uncomfortable.
It was at this point I happened to look up out of the window at the head of the bed and saw one of Joe's suitemates, Jack (a dramatic writing major) just... standing outside the window and staring at us, face devoid of any expression and ghostly lit by the track field's fluorescents. To say this creeped me out is an understatement, and once everyone else noticed him, it creeped us all out. However, the filming continued, now with the lights off (we were really going all out here.) Joe and I continued to fool around, with our characters and plot line as long gone as our clothing, and with different people drifting in and out. All of a sudden there was loud pounding at the door: girl's voices. Ah crap, it was my roommates.
I, despite my drunken state, instantly felt a sensation similar to being caught by your parents or the school principal, but I was too horny and naked to really care. Apparently, word had spread and my suitemates rushed over to my "rescue", thinking I had been forced into it or made some drunken foolish mistake (who was I, a college girl???) After they made the guys tell me to get dressed and leave Joe's room, they marched me down to our suite like Secret Service escorting JFK away from Marilyn. Even when I sobered up, I still felt no regret or shame but they convinced me at the least, to destroy the tape, and scolded me for doing something so rash during the first week of school. Did I really want to be known as "that girl", the one who made a sex tape during the first week freshman year with a group of guys watching?
Funny thing is, no one that was there really talked about it much either then or afterwards; it was sort of an unspoken bonding experience for that little group. So while afterwards I did not become known around campus for filming an infamous sex tape, I was known to many people for having sex (with Joe.) So much time did I spend abed with him that I don't think I spent more than a combined two months of freshman year wearing clothes. But, in that little hour or so, giving Joe a BJ, it was definitely one of the more memorable moments I spent naked.
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