a) to entertain, and
b) to give people a real, true, and brutally honest in-depth look as to what a woman really thinks, what women really do, and how they genuinely feel when it comes to sex and dating.
Many women may not tell you this, but I can fucking promise you, I am not in the minority when it comes to having a casual-sex sex life.
What I've come to realize though, is the minority I AM part of is that of women who have a casual sex life - because they actually enjoy sex. However, even that seems to still boggle peoples brains to an extent that makes me squint my eyes to try and understand their small-mindedness. But, this piece is not about the people are who stupid and annoy me. This piece is about defining what a "slut" ACTUALLY is. Because as much as I may fuck around, and as much as I'm open about it all, "slut" has absolutely nothing, NOTHING, to do with it.
THE BEGINNING OF THE JOURNEY
A couple of years ago, when my work started to become more popular and, in effect, I started dealing with more negative reactions, was really when I started to want to define this word people kept calling me, this "slut" nonsense. According to the reactions to me and my blog, any woman who has sex at all, is a slut. Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry, but that was and is still hilarious to me that people are so insane when it comes to a woman being sexually liberated. I went through many phases over the course of the years, reacting differently to these reactions that I and my writing were inciting in others. I would get angry, or I would cry, or I would joke about it and laugh it about it all. Mostly, I would always get angry again. But ultimately, I remained puzzled. I began to try to piece together: what, in fact, IS a slut? Am I really one?
In the early stages of this journey, I thought, oh, a clever piece or Top Ten about "Things Sluts Say" might be funny. I was bored at work one night, and started to write it out. A couple of coworkers even joined in, and we all had a good laugh at the expense of slutty sayings. Because damn, the ludicrous things sluts say are really fucking funny:
1) Oh my god, I never do this
2) I am only doing this because I'm drunk
3) I never sleep with guys on the first date
4) I'm not that kind of girl
5) I only hang out with guys
And so on. (There were a bunch of others, but I couldn't find the original written copy and, after tearing my room apart for 20 minutes, I gave up. These five examples were the gist of it though.)
Well, as hilarious (and accurate) as that list may be, it didn't really help me define the term "slut" itself. That list may be the stupid, false words that come out of a slut's mouth before a dick goes in it, sure. But as to what a slut actually IS, that list...not so much. So, if even I didn't know how to define it, was everyone else in on something that I clearly out of the loop of? How were so many people calling me this word, this word that I was pretty damn sure they couldn't define properly if I had asked them? Was it really that simple? Is a slut just a person who has casual sex, sex maybe without emotions, certainly without love? A person who can fuck on a first date, and has done so, often? A person that has more than 30...40...50 partners in their lifetime? A person who maybe doesn't remember last names of past partners, sometimes not even first names? That seems so...unfair, and come on...be real, that's pretty much almost all of you.
A DIFFERENT JOURNEY THAT TIES IN TO THE FIRST JOURNEY AND SOLVES EVERYTHING
The answer didn't arrive until a couple of years later, during the course of a separate project. As many of you know, that was when I went through the now-infamous "100 Days Without Wang". During that experiment, if you haven't read it, I took a deeper plunge into myself than I ever thought possible. (I will dispense with the potential masturbation and/or dick jokes, because that project made me grow and evolve, DAMN IT.) It helped me to understand my patterns, and relationship, with and to both men and sex. I had to face a lot of harsh truths about my younger self, and my self back during the project. Those realizations helped me to move forward to be able to be ready to fully love and open up towards a man- beyond the shallow surface of sex, jokes, and "honeymoon phase" fun. The kicker was, even with all the things I learned about myself, it was never, ever that I used sex for validation, or because I thought it was what men want, or because I needed acceptance and I thought sex would provide that. Despite all my personal issues, I always had sex because holy shit, I love sex, I love men, and I love combining the two. I could talk for DAYS about it; I mean, clearly. After the project ended and I jumped back on the wagon (fell off the wagon? Eh, jumped on works better, euphemism-wise), it was some time before I felt the need to go back to addressing this "slut" dilemma. I had come to a conclusion over the course of that 100 Days project, but hadn't felt a need to write about it or be vocal about it anymore. Why? Because no one was calling me negative...anythings, anymore. I think, I hope, that through my writing about that sex-free journey, people finally, finally understood "it". I hope that was why they understood me, why they understood what I am attempting to do through my writing. I hope it was now why they better understood women, why they finally fucking get it that it's okay for women to feel and think about sex, to desire it, and to talk about it if they want to. It wasn't until recently, tonight actually, that I thought, shit, this...again? People calling me a whore...again? Granted, it was commentary on a Facebook status, so who knows, maybe it was meant in jest. But still, it filled me with a instant need to put this to rest, once and for all.
AND...THE ANSWER
What I concluded was, a slut yes, fucks around, yada yada yada, all those things you'd think. But, the difference between a sexually liberated woman and a slut is: self-awareness.
If you look back to that list from earlier, there's a pattern there. Every single one of them is an excuse, a justification, a lie, a crutch, something for them to hide their behavior behind. A sexually liberated woman doesn't hide behind SHIT. She doesn't excuse her actions, she doesn't apologize for them, and fuck you if you think she should. Actually, no, she would never fuck you if you're that much of an idiot that you think a slut is a woman who simply sleeps around and should be ashamed.
But, then there's a slut.
A slut is someone who sleeps around a lot, too, but they do it for all the wrong reasons. They have zero understanding of who they REALLY are. They sleep around and I bet, they don't even know why. They almost NEED to say those things on that list because they themselves don't even know their own truth. They have sex for validation, for acceptance, because it's how they think they will get men to like them and even stick around. They have sex because they think its what they should be doing, and that its what makes them sexy. I can almost guarantee you, most of them don't even enjoy sex. They may seem like it, in the moment, because its probably the one place in their life where they feel (as false as it may be) wanted and appreciated. But after its over, they feel empty and, well, like shit. Or maybe they don't, if its so bad that they are at the point where they can't even recognize or know that they feel that way. Because let's be real: one of the hardest things about the human experience is facing who we really are, and how we really feel. To lower the blinders, lift the veil, and to face our selves and our truth is one of the most painful, yet rewarding, things we can do. A sexually liberated woman has done that. They know themselves and their truth. They are having sex because they choose to, and because they love sex, too. Know the difference, and don't be bitter because someone is getting laid more than you.
